invisible suit.

I haven't written in my actual diary in a long time. There's nothing like pen hitting paper and writing down your most inner thoughts.

Anyway, today was okay. I relived the 10th grade unfortunately. I felt ugly, invisible, and all I honestly wanted to do was go home and cry. But instead, I put on my game face and just pretended nothing bothered me.

I tried explaining to my, um, friend that I have spent most of my high school years in her shadow. She in turn explained to me that my problems didn't matter because she dealt with way much more than I ever have. Cool, I respect that you made it through your struggle. But just because you made it through your struggle, it doesn't mean that it'll be THAT easy to get through mine. Most (if not then all) of my insecurity issues have stemmed from you. You always had to prove you were one step ahead of everyone, even me. Why? Why was life always a competition for you? No one is racing, I definitely wasn't.

I shouldn't blame you for my problems. I could have easily gotten rid of the dead weight, but I kept it. And every time my heart aches, I pull this dead weight even more.

But I do thank you, because you taught me to pray. Pray to God and ask him for strength that no one else can give me. Pray to God and ask him to be strong whenever I felt weak. This way the next time I'm around you, I don't feel like dirt.

one more thought for the night...

I remember every text you sent me.

Late nights when I'm up and Trey plays on my iPod, it takes me back to the first time you came to my house and sat outside with me. We complained of our exes and the bad treatment we received, both excited to find what we wanted in someone we deserved. I listen to Trey and remembered pouring my heart out to you on the phone about how I was emotionally drained. I slept for three hours that night and spent the rest of the day falling asleep everywhere. "Holla if you need me" is what you told me. I saved the text on my phone.

I need you now, where are you?

Why did you get so close knowing you were gonna leave? You complained that I wasn't opening up, but slowly I was. Then you left. Did I waste my time? I'm not sure but I realized that we weren't supposed to happen, well at least happen now.

Sometimes I wonder, if i followed my heart instead of my mind, would I have been in love with someone else? No regrets, only lessons in life. Time to let go.

my heart, your entertainment .

I realized sometime over the summer that you have an important role in my life. I don't know what we'll become but I enjoy the time we spend, even if it's no more than 30 seconds. I look at you completely different from any other boy that I've come in contact with. I'd do anything you ask because I know it will be returned. I don't know if you feel the same anymore but I hope that if you read this you will know it's about you.

I know that I've confronted you about our feelings when it was too late, but know that mine have never changed. I decided to hide them because of the situation we were both placed in. Maybe one day we'll be able to react to what is on our hearts, but today I'll just say it here.

freedom .

I've never done blogging before, but I figured it would be pretty cool. I love to write and I don't mind sharing with whoever wants to read. I might take advantage and post very often because this is how I vent lol. Enjoy :]