karma.

After talking to my best friend, it all makes sense. It makes perfect sense.

I never asked you for anything but honesty. I kept it 100% with you, why couldn't you do the same? You complained that you weren't treated right, and how bad things were, but if it was such a problem, why did you go back? You had a choice. You chose the pain, but why you made me hurt too is beyond me.

Speaking to my best friend, I realized I was still upset, and I was on the verge of tears but I won't cry because of this again. Why should I? From the day you hit me up, I had signs and I ignored all of them. You left me in my dreams and you left me in real life. Coincidence? I think not.

I remember when I first met you, I told you I was talking to someone else. You didn't have a problem with it. And I started pushing him to the side and treating him the way you're treating me now. A prime example of karma. I shouldn't have hid it from him that I was talking to you. But here's a difference between me and you: it took me some time to tell him, but I told him. You're still hiding it from me. And you pride yourself on being a gentleman? Pack it up, son.

"I think they call this, umm, venting."

I wonder...

Will love and life turn out the way we want it? My friend says yes. But then I wonder, what risks do we have to take? Everyday, we do something that effects our life and our chance to love. Something as simple as not taking an extra ten minutes to study for a quiz or taking an extra five minutes to tell someone how you truly feel about them.

What happens if you're truly passionate for something, and it doesn't work out when you want it to? Do you give up? Do you continue to fight? It depends on you and your willpower.

"What's the point of quitting, so you can do something you don't wanna do?"

But who's to say when you go through the struggle, you'll enjoy the rewards?

In my life as far as relationships go, I honestly received nothing from them. But the struggles that I have endured on those long journeys have given me strength and a low tolerance for nonsense. Those same struggles also make fighting for everything worth it in the end. Just like there's a light at the end of every tunnel, there's happiness at the end of every journey. I guess you have to continue to fight.

back to reality.

It would be stupid of me to live in a fantasy world thinking we're gonna be together in the future because you don't believe it anymore than I do. I refuse to open my heart up AGAIN only to end up looking stupid. If you want me come and get me. I'm not chasing you or any fantasy of us.

Yes, I have done my share of shit to hurt you because I wasn't up front with you about stuff and I'm sorry. But my female intuition often kicks in late at night so I am often forced into reality. I never listened to it before but my heart is wide open to it now.

I know life and love are all about taking risks, but why take them when your heart says not to?

I find so much comfort in your words. I think it would be foolish of me to believe all of them so I choose not to. I keep your thoughts in my heart and I often dig deep for them to keep my hopes alive when I feel I can't make it through my days.

If you feel that funny feeling in your heart, that means I'm talking to you.

Thank you.

Oh, Tremaine.

People might look at me funny for this, but fuck it.

Something about the way your voice eases over an instrumental amazes me every time. Whenever you sing, I have to stop whatever I'm doing because all I hear is your voice. You sing with so much passion and it feels real. I feel your words and I can easily put myself in your situation when your voice comes through my headphones. You put your all into your music and I honestly appreciate it.

I often keep your music in rotation because it all has such amazing quality. From your freestyles, to your mixtapes, to your actual album songs. Never once have you disappointed me. You have so much talent and I'm glad I'm able to watch you grow with every piece of work you put out.

Throw in your charm, that southern accent, that beautiful smile and I think I'm in love. Never once have you ever come off cocky, only confident. Then there's that smile and you throw in that occasional, "baby." How could a girl not be intrigued by you?

Sex Fo' Yo Stereo. Amazing song. I sing along everytime. I'm beyond excited to see you in March. I'll be amongst the thousands of girls screaming for you, but I'll pretend you're only singing to me. :)

valentine.

All day people have been saying "ladies if you're single that means you're not doing something right." I highly disagree and I don't think it's fair.

Why must we all be generalized for a few silly girls? What about all the good girls who end up with the bad guys? What if they started off one way and end up another? I know females aren't the only ones who have dealt with it. Men who are single today and aren't celebrating obviously aren't doing something right either.

Yes, I have dated assholes by choice. Why? Self esteem issues. But now knowing what I'm worth and what I deserve, I have no one. Is that my fault? I want something serious with someone I know I can grow with, not just anyone. Now I can't find anyone. Is that my fault?

Sigh, I wish I lived alone. I'd have slow songs on repeat until my tear ducts were empty and heart was content.

Oh, Happy Valentines Day.

I stood in front of you, your hands around my waist, my hands in your soft curly hair. I loved to play in it. My hands fell to your shoulders and then they traced your muscles. I pulled your sleeve up to admire the tattoo. Simple but cute. My hands continued to trace your arms and I found my hands in yours. I stared into your eyes for a few seconds, but I broke the embrace because I knew that I couldn't be here. I had to let you go.

The night before I woke up, and checked my phone. 4:22 AM. I sighed and I turned on my right side, staring at the wall. It was pitch black in my room, but I saw your face. My mind played a movie of the last time we were together. I saw us walking, laughing, talking. I saw us stop and I saw us looking into each others eyes. I don't know what you were looking for, but I was trying to see into your heart to see if I saw happiness. I saw happiness, but it wasn't for me.

I turned and I was now laying on my back. I took a deep breath.

Fighting for a love that wasn't mine, I cried silently until my eyes were too heavy to stay open.

reflection.

It's a monday night, I'm sitting here thinking of where I've gone in life. I do have a lot to be thankful for, but I've realized that I am lazy and I am not working at my full potential. I am beyond embarrassed, especially because I'm not where I should be.

It's my second year at BMCC, hopefully my last. I shouldn't have been attending this school for the fall semester, but here I am in the spring semester of 2010. In the Spring semester of 2009, I got lazy and thought I could pass classes without putting forth an effort. Boy, was I wrong. I even blamed my relationship for the reason I had gotten so lazy when in real life, it was no one's fault but my own. I had the option to say no, and put all my focus on school. Instead I made excuses, brought home a B+, a C- and a D+ and I failed my math remedial class.

Sharisse, WHAT THE FUCK WAS ON YOUR MIND?

Smh, after removing myself from that situation with my ex boyfriend, I decided for the fall semester that I'd pack it up, and do better for myself. This semester I brought my GPA up from a 2.31 to a 2.62 receiving all B+'s and passing my math remedial course. I should have gotten A's but I got lazy at the last minute, and I let myself to slip up.

This semester, I'm not feeling anything as far as classes go and I want to drop statistics but I'm gonna give it another shot. I don't wanna give up, but I do wanna put my all into these classes. I'm trying to move up in life and prove to myself that I AM capable of doing ANY and EVERYthing I put my mind to.

I do plan on doing a recap in three months to see how far I've come. I need to do more.

This semester, I had a job move, and I decided to stop hiding my face with my bangs. That brought my confidence up, a little bit. I've learned that people will talk no matter what so don't cater to them, cater to you.